The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are back on the big screen after a 21 year hiatus since their last live action film! Was the wait worth coming out of their shells for?
Megan Fox stars as reporter April O'Neil. She is frustrated doing fluff pieces, so she goes out of her way to get a story on the violent Foot Clan. This leads to April eventually coming into contact with the titular heroes. The problem is that it takes quite a bit of time to get to this plot point, so Megan Fox has to carry the film on her own for a while, and this is where the film begins to fall apart. That is correct... the film begins to fall apart right at the beginning.
April O'Neil is a character that is often played as a damsel in distress type, but she is also a very smart character. This film's version of April is a moron. She makes some questionable decisions that make her rightfully look like a joke to her boss and fellow employees. This makes it very difficult to like April, who takes up a lot of screen time, especially in the beginning.
In addition, the fact that April is played like such an idiot makes it unbelievable that she would be able to track down the stealthy Turtles. Moreover, April recognizes the Turtles because their origin is directly tied to April and her father, which comes off as incredibly contrived. It serves as a shallow way of creating a close connection between April and the Turtles rather than building the relationship through actual character development. As a result, the story suffers, which is further illustrated by the fact that Splinter and the Turtles no longer have a personal connection to their usual antagonist, the Shredder (Tohoru Masamune).
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| "I can totes carry a movie, right?" |
Another big change to the character origins is that Splinter never learned martial arts from mimicking his owner, nor from a sensei. Instead, Splinter finds a book in the sewer, which somehow allows him to not only become a master at Ninjutsu, but also somewhat resemble a Japanese person. Sure, the original comic book story of a rat mimicking his master is silly, but at least the character came from Japan. Splinter suddenly acting like a Japanese person from reading a book does not make any sense and is rather distasteful.
That said, Splinter and the Turtles are portrayed fairly well thanks to their family dynamic, and their personalities are exactly as you would expect. The problem is that they do not ever become more than caricatures, with Raphael being the only one with any semblance of a character arc. Furthermore, the fast pace of the film tries to keep things going from plot point to plot point like some kind of video game, but this hurts the story because the film never slows down long enough to give these characters any depth. Thus, there is not much of a reason to care about them.
Making matters worse, the story makes little sense in the first place. One of the main villains is Eric Sacks (William Fichtner), a scientist who worked with April's father and is secretly in league with Shredder. His diabolical plan is to release a toxin that will infect all of New York City, and only Sacks has the cure. This is supposed to result in him making lots of money. The problem is that Sacks already owns a highly lucrative tech company, and he appears to be incredibly rich. So what exactly is his motivation?
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| "Hi, I became really rich so I can afford to pull off a scheme that will make me.... rich." |
Even worse, the mutagen that transformed Splinter and the Turtles also serves as a deus ex machina. It is like a panacea that can suddenly cure everything depending on the plot point that needs solving, such as the cure for the deadly toxin, or to save someone after a brutal beating. This just makes the writing feel like it was rushed.
The dialogue is pretty bad as well. The Turtles are a very talkative bunch, especially Michelangelo, who acts a bit dumb but can be funny at times. Unfortunately, he is also a bit creepy, such as when he makes sexual references towards April. When Michelangelo first meets her, he actually says that "his shell is getting tight."
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| Every time he feels his shell get tighter, I feel my brain get smaller. |
At least the visuals are nice to look at. The fight scenes are fun at times but sometimes suffer from the camera getting in too close, causing the action to look blurry or indecipherable. The Turtles have a more realistic look than ever before thanks to their noses, but that just takes a little getting used to. Shredder wears a large mech suit of sorts, but still moves like a martial arts master, which could make him a frightening villain if he did not make glaring errors such as allowing the Turtles to live when he had a chance to kill them.
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| "I am the Shredder! I kill no one. Fear me!" |
There is also a really long chase scene in heavy snow, which feels out of place since they are so close to a very non-winter New York City. The chase itself has some cool moments but goes on for a little too long.
The final fight is enjoyable because the Turtles have to figure out how to defeat the seasoned Shredder, but this scene is almost completely ruined thanks to the presence of April, a character who is increasingly grating with every appearance in the film. In fact, if the movie was all Turtles, it would have been much better.
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| I get the impression that this expression is the entirety of Megan Fox's "range." |
Producer Michael Bay and director Jonathan Liebesman had the opportunity to create something special with a property as long-lived as TMNT, but they blew it. The dialogue is bad, April is an annoying idiot, the alleged story is nonsensical, and the characters lack depth. On the plus side, the action and visuals stand out at times. Little kids should eat this stuff up. Adults might enjoy it if they can turn off their brains for two hours. Being inebriated might help.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles earns a 4 out of 10.
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| "Seriously?" |
Super serious, Donatello. Seeing as this film already made a lot of money over opening weekend, a sequel has already been announced. Do us all a favor and save your money if you have not seen it, and go watch Guardians of the Galaxy again instead. That is a shining example of what a fun action movie can really be. TMNT will just leave you shell-shocked...... I'm as bad as this movie. :P
